dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I cockslap morals
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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