u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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