You're completely useless in the revolution.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
