I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
