Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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