everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My ass is underappreciated
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
