Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
