he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
