You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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