i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
