She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
