he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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