First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just had sex on a roof
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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