He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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