____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
