dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
