My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We talked him into tasing himself.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize