And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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