There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
