my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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