i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
