plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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