Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
