I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
