You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize