the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
