She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My feet surprised me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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