The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
