I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
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