Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
