god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
