I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
