The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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