my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
