When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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