elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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