mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
