once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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