There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
