Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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