I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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