I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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