My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
