the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
