His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
