i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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