It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
