I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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