i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
