I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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