Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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