Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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