the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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