I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
