there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
