My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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