Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he thought i was a dude.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
