I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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