i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
