I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
